Doubt

Doubt.

Is it not just amazing when the wind of depression begins to howl, that the first thing it does is blow the cold breeze of doubt. The chill begins in your soul, you begin to shiver, doubt your worth. The warm glow, the joy of life cools; the rate of chill determined by your own frame of mind.

Do you open the door to let the wind in? Or does it simply become so strong, that a gust will blow the door to your soul wide and the chill kills the joy?

Joy of life is a solitary thing that is so often dependant on community. Those who have joy by gift attract others into their light, like flies to a Somerset Maugham lamp in the Deep South. The joyous flies perform in the light of community dance, reflect the glory of that joy and feed from it, but never drain the centre of the energy source; the peaceful personal joy in the individual soul.

But when those whose joy have been chilled and are turning to ice, approach that light, they plunge right in; get burned. 

Wounds need treatment; gentle understanding and care.

The secret of peace of the soul is having it, without ever having to think about its existence. Those who walk life’s path unconscious of the peace of mind that life has granted them, are those who have true wealth. 

Those who feel the chill of self doubt have to work at peace constantly; reassurance is a poor substitute for contentment. Beginning is always the struggle, and for some, unfortunately, the oxymoron is that the horrendous struggle to begin is overwhelming.

Nevertheless beginning is essential to finding peace. “The longest journey begins with a single step” - Moa. To begin the walk to peace is the hardest step of all for some and is so simple to others. When people ring and ask me how to take the first step I have a test. I pay them a compliment. I had two young women in my house yesterday at different times for totally different reasons. I had not met either before. Both beautiful. The first had the chill wind blowing and I said to her: “You are a very beautiful young woman.” She replied: “No, I am not!”

The second had the warm glow of joy and peace and I said to her: “You are a beautiful young woman”. She replied: “Thank you”. In the simplicity of it all, that test is so indicative of where your soul sits on the scale of life.

But the great truth is that the gift of peace is available; it is like fiscal wealth, some inherit it, some work harder than others to obtain it, some waste it. Some never find it. But it is there.

So again to begin, the next time you are paid a compliment please respond with a simple thank you. It took me years to stop the equivocation around that effort to respond in a positive manner to somebody telling me I was of worth. It embarrassed me to be told; I felt the heat of embarrassment but not the glow of joy.

My equivocation was, and is, an insult to the kindness being shown by the person passing on the compliment. The simple answer to a personal compliment sets the scene for the ongoing relationship. So we can control all of this, but for those of you who do not know how much of an effort it is to do this simple thing, please believe; it is so hard for others.  

Things are getting hard in this house. The Motor Neuron Disease is raging across the family. I am stuck in the bed now; it's hard for us all. And depression, sadness is on the attack. I have to go on the defensive. You cannot win going backwards. Doubt is near to hand.

When you have self doubt, then you begin to doubt all. I have too much time to think now. I and it are getting hard and heavy. Harder to tolerate; the pain, the frustration as well as I previously could. Shorter temper and sharper edges, tiredness, are new tenants; they pay no rent but demand a high price in the coin of joy. They drain.

Everybody is trying so hard. Trying is the awful thing. There was no need to do so before; we just were content, smiled and held so naturally.

But doubt is a terrible thing. Parents demand respect from their children, but as with all things you have no right to demand anything, you earn respect. 

That is where I lie right now. Horizontal, in a place of self doubt. As deeply as I know how much my family love and respect me, I am on the edge of the precipice of depression and that is the sharp edge of doubt. But I will not fall in.

I so want to do what I cannot do; casually engage. I so fucking hate not being able to get up and go, stop, sit and chew the cud. I have to orchestrate my life. I have to plan each move in detail.

Taking a vertical pee is possibly the greatest boon in any man’s life and to be unable to take a horizontal pee is as a prison.

I have to work at the minutiae of life, which we all take for granted. I will get on with it. The point is; it is about life and living life to the full. The level of expectation is my decision, I simply have to reassess, take the first step daily.

So for those who are feeling the chill wind of doubt blowing, put on the coat of community gather people about you, say thank you for the compliment and you will begin to feel the joy.

Me; do you remember bottle parties, bring your own drink? I am having one this week, wine, women, men and chat. Hopefully finishing in song, I feel the glow just at the thought. There really is only one um and that is fuck um! Yehaa!!