‘Having Jack in our lives has made us complete’

Having children may be the biggest milestone in our life journey but for married same-sex couple Quentin and Malcolm from Cork, that was one step they had for many years never considered taking, until a series of comments from friends and family prompted them to investigate the issue further.

“Surrogacy wasn’t something we were interested in, and we didn’t know how to go about adopting someone, so we looked into fostering and contacted Tusla,” said Quentin.

The couple attended a series of meetings and were visited in their home by a representative from the Child and Family Agency to ensure they understood the challenges and responsibilities of being foster carers.

In the weeks that followed they discussed with Tusla all aspects of their lives, sharing everything about themselves with a social worker in a process that involved 16 hours of chats from which a report was produced about their suitability.

“It’s all very revealing; they’re trying to get to know you, to see if you have empathy and if you can support others,” added Quentin. “You learn a lot about yourself and have to be open to that process. Reading about yourself in the subsequent report is a bit surreal, but they had us spot-on, identifying our strengths and our weaknesses.

“They are very thorough, and if they don’t think you are capable, they won’t place a child with you.”

After 12 months of assessments and training courses, the couple were given their approval to become long-term foster carers and within days were told about Jack* (name has been changed to protect identity), a five year old diagnosed with both autism and epilepsy, and with a complex condition that requires him to be peg-fed through his abdomen. Supporting a person with such serious issues would be daunting for any seasoned parent, let alone someone who was stepping into the world of child care for the first time.

“I was very overwhelmed,” said Quentin about his initial meeting with the little boy. “I saw all the issues, and thought to myself, ‘What have we done, is this too much?’. Malcolm (who works in child care) was very positive about it, but after that first meeting I was upset.

We went back to meet Jack two days later, and I felt a little bit better about it; but it took three or four visits with him before I realised that we could do this.” Jack became part of Quentin and Malcolm’s family in October of last year. Because of his medical needs, a nurse was provided to the couple to give support for the first five or six weeks, but after four weeks they felt they needed to try things on their own.

Quentin explained: “It was terrifying at first, the first few days were a blur, but day by day it got easier as we got into a routine. It takes time, but I would never ask for Jack to be removed from us. It would be a failing on my part; he just needs a home and stability.

“Jack is doing great – doing things now that he wasn’t doing when he first came, and all because of our care,” he added. “It’s still a learning curve. Tusla are now very much part of our lives, either on the phone to us or coming here to the house.”

Raising a vulnerable child does not come without its challenges, but for the couple, who have been married 11 years, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. The decision to foster has been life-changing and has enriched their lives.

“I feel happy to be needed by someone. It has given me more direction and changed my outlook on life. For instance, my work life balance has changed for the positive,” he said. The couple’s bond has strengthened as a result of the new arrival to their home.

“It has made our relationship stronger; we’re happier as a couple. I couldn’t have done this without Malcolm. I’m lucky to have a very good husband,” said Quentin.

“Everyone hopes to have the perfect child,” says Quentin, “but if we had said no to Jack, well, you’re just closing yourself off from children. Having Jack in our lives has made us complete.”

June is Fostering Awareness Month. Foster carers provide a safe, secure and stable home environment for children and young people who cannot live with their parent(s) due to their life experiences.

For more info and to register for a foster information session visit fostering.ie, call freephone 1800-226771 or visit fostering.ie.